London – Great Town

‘Some of the buildings are a bit old though.’

The week began with my ass wanting a divorce and now my feet are threatening to walk out on me. I’ve hit the pavement in search of a house. I’ve walked so far that little bald patches have appeared high up on my upper inner thigh. On legs as hairy as mine that’s a lot of pant swooshing. I might have to resort to some vaseline to ease my way through the day. My jetlag cleared by Wednesday (leaving alcohol as the only excuse for these incoherent ramblings) and I set of in search of a home.

My efforts were somewhat intensified by my current living arrangements. My one and three year old cousins insist on waking up very early and very grumpily. This is then followed by getting dressed and eating breakfast, all done noisily and reluctantly, with many cries of ‘Where’s David?’. I, of course, am in bed. I generally try and let this well-tuned team power through their morning ritual before following my own morning practice of doing everything slowly and carefully. The other problem with living in Bracknell is that I don’t have a car. As far as I can tell I’m the only person who walks in this town. The nearest shops are 15-20 minutes away, with the station being another 10. Add a ten pound ticket and a one hour journey into London to the mix and you have an unhappy chappy.

With this mounting incentive to get the fuck out of Bracknell I’ve been looking at some other houses. The first place I went to look at didn’t sound too promising. It was cheap, but located in a main street, above the chemist. Only my growing desperation compelled me to agree to look at it. The room was in Kennington, which is just south of the river, near the Houses of Parliament. I got off at Waterloo and proceeded to walk in the completely wrong direction. The trouble with trying to navigate around London on foot is that there are lots of underground passages where you can completely lose your bearings. Whatever the reason, I never made my appointment. This is probably a good thing, because I had a much better time checking out the Millennium Wheel, South Bank, and various other impressive looking buildings, of which I knew the names of about one.

My next appointment took me to Clapham. This is heading a bit further south, near Brixton and Wandsworth. The south has a larger black population and reputedly more crime but Clapham seemed like a particularly nice area to me. The house I looked at was just off a street filled with little bars and boutique shops. The fact that there was a bottle shop about 10 metres from the front door made me fall in love with it immediately. My description probably makes it sound a bit seedy but it looks a bit like Paddington or Glebe in Sydney. I am under consideration. Another place I’ve seen was in completely the other direction. Holloway is north of the city, above Camden and Islington. It’s up in the air at the moment, but should come crashing down around Monday.

I haven’t had a strict sightseeing schedule but I think I’ve stumbled across more touristy things than most tourists do. I guess they’re hard to avoid in London. After leaving Holloway, I headed to the King’s Cross/St Pancras station. This is a huge building right next to the British Library. It didn’t hold my attention for very long, so I headed of to Piccadilly. This was the first place in London that really hustled. It’s absolutely packed with loud Americans, Euro-Trash, and Japanese tourists. It’s also the home of hustlers, pimps and con-men. I saw one guy get robbed in HMV, but I seem to rebuff attackers by my mere physical presence and lack of touristy attire and behaviour. In fact, people are constantly stopping me and asking for directions. I try and let them down gently by mentioning that I’m from Australia and not well versed in the streets of London either. The professional hustlers in Piccadilly are the mega-stores. There’s a Virgin, HMV, Sega World, Planet Hollywood, and dozens of smaller imitations, designed to take the tourists by the busload and strip them bare. It’s the commerce equivalent of strip mining.

The nice thing about big cities, maybe London in particular, is that if you don’t like an area you can walk 200 metres in the other direction and have a completely different experience. This is how I found myself in St. James Park in the quickening sunset. Early spring in London feels like a late Autumn Canberra day. Very crisp and clear, with the bare branches of the trees standing starkly out against the blue sky. It was a great moment to finally see the city in all its glory. I took a final saunter past Downing Street before making my way back to Waterloo, and Bracknell.

As a quick aside, the food has been pretty good. The British don’t have a wide range but they’re experts in what they can do. So far, all my fish and chip experiences have been top notch, the apple juice is tops as, and the jam donuts are the best I’ve tasted.

Saturday night sees me kicking back with this email, reading some Hunter S Thompson, and drinking some surprisingly good Sainsbury’s whisky. The cold and my aching feet have forced a premature end to the night. I was thinking about joining ‘the lads’ in Twickenham for some rugby chants but I think I’ll stick to what I’m best at for now.

Hugs and kisses (in a manly way),
Dave.

The Land of the Long Grey Cloud

Pretty similar to Melbourne weather really

The second half of my flight started badly. I’d had about two hours of partial sleep on the way in, and was feeling a little tired, it being about 4 am Australian time. As the flight was reboarding my spare seat was cruelly taken from me. I don’t know who took it because I didn’t talk to her for 14 hours. For those who know me, take a bad morning, combine it with a trip by car to Melbourne, add my’‘Leave Me Alone’ T-shirt, and you’re getting close to the kind of mood I was in. Let’s just say I wasn’t feeling bubbly. This mood was worsened by the French family of four that took up the row in front of me. It was bad enough that they were French but they proceeded to lean their seats back as far as possible and slip into a sweet slumber. I now had the Australian family behind me, practicing their soccer skills, and the French family rubbing my nose in it by getting the sleep that I wanted. They were stealing my sleep!

For the next 14 hellish hours I tossed and turned, or whatever it’s called when you roll from side-to-side with your ankles around your ears. I’m sure there’s the making of a blond joke in that. To cut the story as short as I wanted the flight to be, I was damn uncomfortable and didn’t sleep at all. Thankfully my Uncle was at the airport to pick me up and after phoning home I proceeded to sleep for around 15 hours. You may think this is a lot, and it is, but I felt much better for it. I woke up at midnight and have been up for around 12 hours. I’m hoping to make it to the night but Bracknell isn’t very entertaining. Bracknell is where my Uncle lives. For those who don’t know where it is, get an atlas, because I don’t either. I know it’s about an hour outside London, which is my next port of call. You might think it will be tougher to find a place to live and a job than sitting on a plane for 22 hours, but try telling my ass that. With my ass behind me I can achieve anything.

My impression of England so far is a little clouded. I haven’t really seen the sun since my flight took off. The leg from Bangkok to London was all in darkness, it was cloudy at Heathrow when I arrived, I slept all day Monday, and it’s cloudy and goddam wet today. At last! I’ve found a place where I won’t get sunburnt.

There aren’t that many differences between England and Australia. Sure the weather’s different and people don’t talk proper, like, but it’s a very similar culture. The one major difference I’ve found is the supermarket. The checkout chicks are about ninety and they all had to sit down. This means that you have to bag your own groceries. If it weren’t such a long flight back I’d be tempted to leave the country on protest.

My visit to the local Bracknell park yielded some unimpressive results. I saw lots of ducks (two) and lots of squirrels (two). Squirrels are just like possums but sized like rats and with permed tails. I can hear you all clamouring for me to come back but you’re all going to have to come and see me. I’m not flying back to Australia until they get sub-orbital planes off the ground and cut the trip to three hours. I love you all but don’t miss any of you yet. If you don’t receive a personal message from me don’t be offended. It’s not that I don’t like you, just that I don’t have anything to say.

Dave out.

Fear And Loathing In Bangkok

‘If man go through gate sideways, he going to Bangkok’

(Disclaimer – If any of the following should cause offence, or any plagiarism issues arise, please contact my legal counsel. Any obscure references are the result of this being a mass mail out. My apologies to the confused.)

This week began for me with the kind hospitality of my sister Rachel, and her partner Tony, in Sydney. I spent the week faffing around as usual but actually managed to get everything done. My tale started when I bid farewell to my family and managed to choke back my tears on the way to boarding my flight.

My first reaction was ‘the seats at Hoyt’s are bigger than this, and I can’t sit in THEM for longer than two hours.’ Putting this kind of negative thinking aside I slumped in my seat in front of a nuclear family with eight – ten year old kids. I received a bit of turbulence from their legs a little later on. I’m sure that if sheep were flown economy class to Iran the RSPCA would be up in arms about the conditions.

As the rest of the poor economy class sods filed past me I noticed that the seat next to me was empty. I began to dream the unthinkable; room to stretch my legs. With each approaching passenger I willed them not to sit next to me. At least make them short, I was hoping. When the order came to lock the doors I had stretching room galore. The flight was off to a good start. It was to get even better when the food arrived. My chicken curry with bok choy was tops as. They even give you a bit of cake.

As I browsed the in-flight entertainment, I noticed Aphex Twin on the play list. I think this subversive element in Qantas was responsible for the last accident in Bangkok. Having said that, the first half of the flight was very smooth. The only two bits of turbulence came from areas of political unrest. For some reason there was a mass of hot air over Darwin which caused a few bumps. Next came Indonesia. I think the military saw a Qantas jet flying overhead, and let us have it with the Ack-Ack. I had visions of the pilot being ex-RAF, and taking the plane in close to ‘hammer those muthafuckers’. I was feeling a little tired at this stage. My mind was appreciating the trip but my ass wanted a divorce.

Finally the movie came on. Sadly it was a Merryl Streep extravaganza. I was drifting in and out, but a movie about a violin teacher (i.e. lots of kids playing badly), perhaps wasn’t the best choice for an in-flight movie. I can’t remember the name of the movie, but the director was Wes Craven, the same as the ‘Nightmare on Elm Street’ series. I leave you to draw your own conclusions.

The only amusing aeronautical blunder came when we were about to land in Bangkok. The pilot said ‘Would the flight attendants please get in position for landing … er…takeoff.’ It caused a few titters, but I was a little worried that in the only place where Qantas has had an accident the pilot wasn’t sure whether he was in the air or not. That’s all from the first leg.