‘If man go through gate sideways, he going to Bangkok’
(Disclaimer – If any of the following should cause offence, or any plagiarism issues arise, please contact my legal counsel. Any obscure references are the result of this being a mass mail out. My apologies to the confused.)
This week began for me with the kind hospitality of my sister Rachel, and her partner Tony, in Sydney. I spent the week faffing around as usual but actually managed to get everything done. My tale started when I bid farewell to my family and managed to choke back my tears on the way to boarding my flight.
My first reaction was ‘the seats at Hoyt’s are bigger than this, and I can’t sit in THEM for longer than two hours.’ Putting this kind of negative thinking aside I slumped in my seat in front of a nuclear family with eight – ten year old kids. I received a bit of turbulence from their legs a little later on. I’m sure that if sheep were flown economy class to Iran the RSPCA would be up in arms about the conditions.
As the rest of the poor economy class sods filed past me I noticed that the seat next to me was empty. I began to dream the unthinkable; room to stretch my legs. With each approaching passenger I willed them not to sit next to me. At least make them short, I was hoping. When the order came to lock the doors I had stretching room galore. The flight was off to a good start. It was to get even better when the food arrived. My chicken curry with bok choy was tops as. They even give you a bit of cake.
As I browsed the in-flight entertainment, I noticed Aphex Twin on the play list. I think this subversive element in Qantas was responsible for the last accident in Bangkok. Having said that, the first half of the flight was very smooth. The only two bits of turbulence came from areas of political unrest. For some reason there was a mass of hot air over Darwin which caused a few bumps. Next came Indonesia. I think the military saw a Qantas jet flying overhead, and let us have it with the Ack-Ack. I had visions of the pilot being ex-RAF, and taking the plane in close to ‘hammer those muthafuckers’. I was feeling a little tired at this stage. My mind was appreciating the trip but my ass wanted a divorce.
Finally the movie came on. Sadly it was a Merryl Streep extravaganza. I was drifting in and out, but a movie about a violin teacher (i.e. lots of kids playing badly), perhaps wasn’t the best choice for an in-flight movie. I can’t remember the name of the movie, but the director was Wes Craven, the same as the ‘Nightmare on Elm Street’ series. I leave you to draw your own conclusions.
The only amusing aeronautical blunder came when we were about to land in Bangkok. The pilot said ‘Would the flight attendants please get in position for landing … er…takeoff.’ It caused a few titters, but I was a little worried that in the only place where Qantas has had an accident the pilot wasn’t sure whether he was in the air or not. That’s all from the first leg.
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